Not Obscure: A Rant About McDonald's Commercials

Okay, so at the moment this is my only active blog. The blog I used to have is still up, but I'm not touching it ever again. I wanted to rant a little bit about McDonald's commercials, specifically radio commercials, and I felt it would be less awkward if I wrote it instead of making a video. So that's why I'm posting this here.

Now, in my family, we listen to the radio a lot. We believe that all McDonald's radio commercials fall into three categories:
1) Unbearably bad
2) So bad they're good
3) Actually good? Who wrote this commercial?

Category 3, as you may have guessed, is the rarest one, although I have heard some genuinely good and funny ones ("The days you suspect your cat is plotting against you: dollar [for any size drink]"). But most of the time, a McDonald's radio commercial will fall into Category 1: unbearably bad.

Case in point, the following extremely annoying commercial that I hear all the freaking time.

CHARACTERS: GUY 1, GUY 2, and GIRL
SCENE: GUY 1 and GUY 2 are sipping their drinks that they proudly purchased from McDonald's
GUY 1 and GUY 2: (sip) Ahhhhh!
GUY 1: Dollar soft drink from McDonald's?
GUY 2: Nope! Dollar sweet tea!
Enter GIRL
GUY 1 and GIRL: (sip) Ahhhhh!
GIRL: Dollar premium roast coffee from McDonald's?
GUY 1: Dollar soft drink!
GUY 2: Dollar sweet tea!
ALL: (sip) Ahhhhhhhh!

Okay, now why do I hate this commercial so much? Well, here's a picture of a McDonald's soft drink.

How can fun be thirsty?

Now here's one of a sweet tea.

Does it taste like a soft drink?

And finally, a premium roast coffee.

Yes, I would totally think something that says "McCafe" is a Coke.

Notice how none of them looks similar to another (okay, maybe the sweet tea looks a little bit like the soft drink, but you get the point).

Now, imagine if the above situation happened in real life.

CHARACTERS: DUDE and JOHNNY
SCENE: DUDE and JOHNNY are in the park, sipping their drinks
BOTH: (sip) Ahhhhhhh!
DUDE: Dollar soft drink from McDonald's?
JOHNNY: ...Excuse me?
DUDE: Dollar... soft... drink... from... McDonald's.
JOHNNY: What? No, I--
DUDE: Oh, I get it. Not a soft drink person. Dollar sweet tea, then.
JOHNNY: No.
DUDE: ...Dollar premium roast coffee?
JOHNNY: 2 dollar orange juice. From the convenience store.
DUDE: ...Oh. (beat) But you do read the Times.
JOHNNY: Of course.

Sorry, you'll have to have seen "Without a Clue" to get that last line. I love that movie.

Anyway, what kind of idiot could confuse those three completely different-looking drinks? My guess: all three of the characters in that commercial are blind. There's really no other explanation. Well, either that or they're all insane.

Another one that I used to hear way too often was this one.

CHARACTERS: DAD and SON
SCENE: DAD wants SON to mow the lawn
DAD: Son?
SON: Yeah, dad?
DAD: Would you mow the lawn for me?
SON: But dad, it's hooooot!
DAD: I'll give you 49 cents!
SON: Come on, Dad! Maybe kids mowed the lawn for 49 cents in, like... the 90s...
DAD: Ah, I see what you mean. Well okay, how about this: if you mow the lawn, I'll get you a soft-serve cone from McDonald's!
SON: Now you're talkin'!

The point of the above commercial was that now, you can get a soft-serve ice cream cone from McDonald's for just 49 cents. But really, why would he want to mow the lawn just for a soft-serve cone from McDonald's?

Imagine the above situation in real life, after the son refuses to work for 49 cents.

DAD: Ah, I see what you mean. Well okay, how about this: if you mow the lawn, I'll get you a soft-serve cone from McDonald's!
SON: ...
DAD: ...What?
SON: Just a soft-serve cone?
DAD: Well, yeah! They're worth 49 cents!
SON: But it doesn't come with a toy. It's not a Happy Meal.
DAD: Okay, fine. Can we settle on... 2 dollars? Get yourself an orange juice from the convenience store?
SON: (sigh) You're so cheap... Fine. 2 dollars.

And as if that wasn't stupid enough, they actually started showing another commercial for soft-serve cones, and this one's even worse.

CHARACTERS: MOM, DAD, and DAUGHTER
SCENE: DAUGHTER is getting ready to leave
DAUGHTER: Mom, can I have some McDonald's soft-serve cones?
MOM: Oh, check between the couch cushions, honey. There are always some soft-serve cones there.
DAD (from a distance): Honey, have you seen my keys?
MOM: They're on your dresser. Next to your tray of soft-serve cones.
DAD (still from a distance): Oh, there they are. Thanks! Love you!

I... this... it's... the...

I don't know, every time I hear this commercial, it leaves me speechless. It's that stupid. I mean, they're trying to make "49 cents" synonymous with "McDonald's soft-serve cones"? What in the name of the ever-loving mother of Ronald.

Oh, and if you thought the drink one wouldn't work out in real life, wait til you see this one!

DAUGHTER: Mom, can I have some McDonald's soft-serve cones?
MOM: Um... isn't it a bit early for ice cream?
DAUGHTER: ...Ice cream? Mom, I'm talking about McDonald's soft-serve cones.
MOM: Yes, exactly. Ice cream. Why do you want ice cream so early in the morning?
DAUGHTER: Change, mom! I'm talking about spare change! McDonald's soft-serve cones are 49 cents now, and--
MOM: Okay, you know what? I'm taking away your clock radio.
DAD (from a distance): Honey, have you seen my tray of McDonald's soft-serve cones?
MOM: Not helping, dear! Not helping at all! Am I the only sane person in the house?
DAUGHTER: Oh, never mind. I found an any size soft drink, premium roast coffee, or sweet tea in my purse.
(beat)
MOM: I'm never going to McDonald's again.

I could go on and on and on about why I hate these commercials, but I think by now you get the point. And I know that it's just a commercial, and it's not supposed to be realistic, but that doesn't matter! It's stupid, end of story!

Wow, I think this may be the longest post I've made so far. I had a lot to talk about (a little over two weeks after I said I would be taking a break). Okay, so the next obscure thing will be that other toy I mentioned. And maybe y'all could help me figure out what it was, who made it, where I might be able to find another one, etc. But again, that won't be for another couple of weeks, because I'm busy, busy, busy. But I will see y'all later!

-Johnny